Clearly I have been absent, I have been vlogging way more than I have been blogging on here. I have started to think about maybe scrapping the blog because I have been so busy and so stressed out with this whole homeschooling thing. Today I sat down and started applying for schools for my son because I am so exhausted. I started to think that this whole homeschooling thing just is not for me. My son was crying, I was almost in tears and we were both just quite frankly fed up.
I feel so tired I can hardly even open my mouth to speak right now. I can barely type, but I had to put something down. I had vent in some way, I really cannot talk anyone else right now about this because they just do not get it. I know other homeschool mothers out there will get it, I am sure many of you have felt like this before. I might be wrong about the latter, but I surely it cannot just be me. When I first started homeschooling my 4 year old son in back in December 2013, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had it in in the bag, I just knew that it was going to be the best decision I had ever made regarding my son. Today I sit here and I am thinking that maybe it was the worst decision that I made regarding my son.
I have never been so tired and so low, fed up and just plain run down in all my life. I am feeling kind of lost and alone right now and I feel like a single mother although I am not. I feel that way because this homeschooling thing is something I chose to do, my partner is happy about it but he does not get involved because he is too busy with work. I work from home, on weekends, at night and whenever I can. However, he plays no real part in the whole journey, my partner I mean. I do everything when it comes to our son's education. I feel overwhelmed, like maybe I am just not cut out for all of this, like maybe I should just send him to school. I say this but when he was in school I was miserable too, I would wake up with this sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. My son would cry and scream some mornings and did not want to go to school.
Sometimes I feel like I am trying to get too much out of this homeschooling thing. I have put so much into it and I feel like I am looking for more, and what I am looking for is just not there. Some days I can see how much fun he is having, then there are some days where he has a tantrum and screams and refuses to do any of the activities I have laid out for him. He refuses to do anything, go to the park, do free play or anything else. He just wants to sit there or just jump up and down and scream his head off. I can't take the noise, I want to go into a soundproof room and lock the door and put headphones and place a blindfold over my eyes and shut out the noise and the light for about 5 minutes and then return to the madness.
So, this is it, I filled out some application forms for schools today. I am not sure if that is really what I want to do or if I am just being dramatic at this point. Deep down I know that the mainstream education is not right for my son but I feel like I am going insane at this point. He was not interested in school, and he is not interested in what I have to offer either. I don't know what I plan to do right now but I know something does need to shift at this point. I will be back in a few days maybe I will have more information by then.
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